BloggingThat

I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence.

I wanna go fast.

Help me, Jesus! Help me, Jewish God! Help me, Allah! Help me, Tom Cruise! Tom Cruise, use your witchcraft to get the fire off me! Help me, Oprah Winfrey!

I can’t control my heart rate, I’ve got a cougar on me!

Momma, I’m goin’ fast!

If you don’t chew Big Red, then fuck you.

This sticker is dangerous and inconvenient, but I do love Fig Newtons.

I sent in my application to The Real World, and I’m pretty much putting all of my eggs into that basket, the MTV basket.

If my MTV career doesn’t work out, I was thinking I’d buy a gun and become a crack dealer. I wouldn’t be, like, a mean crack dealer… a nice one. I’d just be like ‘Hey guys, what’s up? Want some crack?’

98% of people will die sometime in their lives.

Dear Lord Baby Jesus, watching your Baby Einstein developmental… videos, still learning your colors and shapes…

Ricky Bobby: Here’s the deal I’m the best there is. Plain and simple. I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence.

Ricky Bobby: Well let me just quote the late-great Colonel Sanders, who said…”I’m too drunk to taste this chicken.”

Ricky Bobby: [after a girl flashes him] Please be 18.

Ricky Bobby: If you ain’t first, you’re last.

Ricky Bobby: Did that blow your mind, because that just happened.

Ricky Bobby: [extending middle finger] Losing is never fun, but here’s a little something to keep your spirits up. It’s real nice, I got it at Target. It was on sale.

Ricky Bobby: Dear Lord baby Jesus, or as our brothers in the south call you, “Jesuz,” we thank you so much for this bountiful harvest of Dominos, KFC, and the always delicious Taco Bell. I just want to take time to say thank you for my family. My two beautiful, beautiful, handsome stricking sons, Walker, and Texas Ranger, or TR as we call him. And of course my red hot smokin’ wife Carley, who is a stone cold fox.

Ricky Bobby: Well look, I like the Christmas Jesus best, and I’m sayin grace. When you say grace, you can say it to grown up Jesus, or teenage Jesus, or bearded Jesus, or whoever you want.

Ricky Bobby: Dear 8 pounds 6 ounces baby Jesus, new born, not even spoken a word yet.

Ricky Bobby: I wo - I wish I could crawl into one of those right now. I’d eat my way out from the inside.

A very good friend of mine has scored tickets, from another very good friend, to the Daytona 500 and races leading up to that. This is the 50th Anniversary of “The Great American Race”. They chose to invite my wife and I to the sold out race. We are all very excited to be a part of the tradition and rich racing history of Daytona International Speedway.

Musical guests Brooks and Dunn will perform as well as Chubby Checker, Kool and the Gang and Michael McDonald. Richard Petty will be the honorary starter as Jimmie Johnson and Michael Waltrip line up first and second. A link to all of the contending drivers is here.

The US Air Force Thunderbirds will perform the flyover.

Thank you both for inviting us. It is going to be a great time.

Happy Chinese New Year! It is the Year of the Rat. It is symbolized by the first sign of the Chinese zodiak, the Han.

I happen to be a “water” rat, so it should be a great year. I have one question, though. Do I have to be Chinese for this thing to work?

I ran across something that tickled me to the point of tears. I laughed so hard I went to bed and woke up laughing. I couldn’t wait to tell my wife. I know now that it is much funnier to me.

Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever grow up. Now would be one of those times. I give you Telmatobius culeus, which translates as “aquatic scrotum.” Please make a note of where you can find said Aquatic Scrotum.

Tido, get me some tissue.

Bloggingthat would like to congratulate Little Jerry on his recent web launch. Not bad for a “gobbler”.

-Mike